Deranged...

The image in the header has been a blessing in disguise for me. Don't know what came upon me, when I choose this one, it was just I was trying to make this page a tad more appealing,visually.

How hard and unyielding it is to live with those rude, dreadful realities (although truth) which people make you realize (though they would have been in deliberate attempts). The far you run away from them, the harder you get stabbed. It seems that there's no panacea for them. You just need to gulp it down at once without even creating a slightest utterance.

When I get such feelers, I come here and this third one says - You should live.

29th Factor

Those all and those which are and may be which will be, were not, are not and wont be platonic at all (Although these 3 states doesn't exist in reality except my mind). The far I run from this, it somehow founds its way in between, is it like this only or is it just the extrapolation from my thoughts. Well, whatever it may be, but I agree that it has become an integral part of all this, which on certain terms may be harmful and very mean. I may sound self flagellating, but enough of it, I could not just carry along this burden with me and that too when it feels like I am experiencing this gravitational pull, may be which will really make me give in.

Actually looking at it, nothing has happened as of yet, but time may steal this privilege from me soon, as I can foresee.

Clinically Dead

Yesterday again, it was one of those moments, when I felt going into the sub conscious state for ever, just for the sake of shirking away everything in my life which causes pain or even needs a slight effort. Everything would seem hunky dory then, no responsibilities, no relations, no obligations to be entertained at all. How I wish it could come true. It was just a song, which dinned on my ear and led me this way. Well, there should be a choice given to the individuals after breathing some years of life, whether they would like to continue as they are or just get into cryonics. There are times, when I feel like having that lucid dream thing come true. I don't want immortality, but I want all my mortality in a dream chamber.

She says..

Sun rahi hu sudhbudh kho ke, koi main kahani,

puri kahani hai kya kise hai pata,

Main to kisi ki ho ke, ye bhi na jaani,

rut hai ye do pal ki ya rahegi sada...

Just like that :-)

I wonder whether I would get lucky someday, when my love takes a more humanely form unlike the one in previous writing. :-)

My Love...

It was just another day. I walked out of my office, as usual evading everything I do there, feeling low, bored all of it, trying to find something new. Then it struck that okay, lets try to find solace somewhere and then, she came to my mind, without whom my life seems incomplete everyday.

Went straight to her, all what was running in my mind was just her, nothing else. Could not think of anything else. I thought may be she will give me what I needed most at that time, peace of mind and a state of forgetfulness which would feel like I am far away from this high pacing crowd.

My steps begun towards her. I just saw her getting ready for me, she was looking hot, I just can not put it in words, how good it felt after I had a look at her. She exchanged a stare with me, it felt that we both just wanted to be one, leaving nothing in between us. She wanted to be completely in me and I desperately wanted to taste her.

Finally, the moment came, I took her in my hands, my lips smacking and what next, in a while she was all inside me. I felt absolutely satiated. After it was all over, I asked how much, and the tapri wala said 'saab, cutting ke dhai rupaye'. I put the glass down and gave the money to that chai wala and left.

Torn apart

Another day of disgruntled emotions in its continous effort to throw me into the fathomless depth of emotional dejection and withdrawl. Am becoming addicted to it, it wont let me go until I soak in it completely. It feels, someone needs to help me out, it has all gone deep inside my veins making me feel weak notwithstanding any more pain. I wonder what would have made someone devise a word like perseverance.....

Gone

Is it really real? Feels like its a sojourn and will be back. Some part of me is missing, as thats been taken away and it is painful. Been a long time but I cant overcome these pangs. Almost 6 years, its quite a long time, do people realise this at all?
I badly need to practice Detachment.

4 Years

Almost 4 down. Do you think was it worth it, have no answer to that. The first one was gone just because it was the starting, it had the immaturity and privelege of just a new one as an excuse. The second one sensed like it would be serious, but then it made me realise where I stand and then back to square one. The third one had some sense, a bit practicality, a fear, a desire but fate ill treated me. Now, its 4th one, no idea where its going, am trying to make things work, but its tough, although not impossible. Just trying to keep on trying. Seems like am gonna have a rough patch.
At times it has a devastating effect, its hard to absorb the fact that u still there, aint moving up the ladder. If at all, I can foresee, its all blurry......

?

An emotion and a spiritual experience. Is this called Nostalgia, Hmm?

Close to Capsheaf

I wanna know you - like I know myself

Im waitin for you - there aint no one else

Talk to me baby - scream and shout

I want to know you - inside out

I wanna dig down deep - I wanna lose some sleep

I wanna scream and shout - I wanna know you inside out