Mistake

Theres always a time when you start realizing when you have done a mistake, when you have that sense to judge that you have committed a blunder. I did one of those , today or may be yesterday, I could have made it, but somehow due to some nonsensical reasons and the pressure which I couldn't cope up with, I just didn't do it, what should have been done. I tried it today also, but it was late or I didn't had the courage even at this moment, or may be it was way too expensive for me, making me realize that dude, you are gonna regret, and yes, I accept that fact. I feel sorry about that, but as people say, time never returns, may be there could be a next time, but am afraid everything wouldn't be the same then. As they say, Family, Friends and work are like balls which you keep on juggling. work is a rubber ball, it will bounce back, but Friends would be like glass material, once dropped, you wont get it back. Although the situation hasn't worsened this much, but I do feel I didn't do the right thing, would really like to make it up someday. Lets see, people say that you don't get much opportunities, what is gone, is gone. But I am an optimist....

Merrry Christmas - Apps

I have been waiting for this moment, just to experience this silence which really soothes me. Its 02:10 at night and theres no one except silence, or a bit noise at some far end because of Christmas crackers. Life has been completely hell bent on kicking, everyday each morning brings up same thing, the same old routine, the same old question, the same thoughts filling up this mind with suicidal frustration up to the brim. You feel real bad about whats happening and why things are not in your control. The day moves on, as you get along busy with things, you tend to forget all that. Day passes, night creeps in, you feel a bit relaxed, you become a dreamer, it feels like the night shouldn't have an end, but the realization is back with the same old torn morning the next day. You feel utterly hapless, it seems why you cant get out of it, why life has been so unkind and will it ever end? Life moves on, those minutes have converted into hours, hours into days, days into months,years and its been at least say 4 years. Is it worth the effort?
Apart from this regular stuff, you have other things, family and friends which you juggling along. Trying hard not to drop any of these, but it is really difficult, it eats you up, making you weak inside, when people don't understand. You can not crib, can not share the pain, only you and you have to decide and just move on, whichever way it takes you.
At the end, this night will end soon, there will be yet another morning enveloping you with those scary thoughts as soon as you wake up. Just hope, that the ability to survive till that fine day remains.

Fear

It will just let you do what you cant just imagine, one moment of madness, your body and soul are ripped apart, without their knowledge and suddenly when its all gone, there is sadness, that will linger for always. The guilt and then again fear comes into play. Perplexing but true..

Out of Cocoon

Just before I could start trying myself to let out of cocoon, someone helped me, and now, when out of this, I am dying, because that someone never thought that the help would proved fatal for me as it wouldn't be there always.

Zinda hu main

One of those days again, one of those songs, ignited the flames which were subdued some time ago, creating havoc now. It just reminds of this - I hate what I have become to escape what I hated being. The intentions were pure, however eventually everything turned up against me, leaving me all alone as if I was the one who committed the blunder. The aftershocks were there, just a few weeks back too. You cant do anything, you just can not do anything, its They now. I understand but what to do when the song reverberates reminding you of all those not-so-pleasant moments...

Nice day

One of the nice evenings spent with someone, after so long, is really sometimes needed. But the confusion still remains, whether the gravity has its effect on me? Whatever it is, it was all pleasant today, obviously, as I said the self flagellating part would never die in me and the dirty mind was building its own tarmac to just give it the final touch. I strongly felt I would fell or it actually may be a wise decision to just let it happen, but then it scares me that it would bruise my fragile ego by erasing away the self proclaimed tag of I-Wont-Do-This. Afraid of whats gonna be with this...

When was the last time you felt joy?

Hmm.mmmm.......mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

Missed Moments

A day when I should actually spend some time here, when a bit of self introspection would definitely be needed. But its not the right time. Would call it some other day.

The other reason is "The missed moments".

The difference is that the moments soon turned into days, months, years and faded away into something I can never get in. The regret ain't gone and it keeps on reminding me, that I didn't had the courage, guts to turn those into what could have been a great story. It was magical.

Some find love, but I admit to missed moments, I saw, loved, but didn't pluck up the courage to talk....

Poker and The Foodlink Court

The temptation seems to be irresistible now. I just could not hold on to myself, although whats happening may be acting as an eye sore for you, why do they have to do this way? hmm..It pierces in and out, repetitively.

Someone rightly said, they really like you the way you are and want JUST to be like that, but they don't want you, they want someone like you. Now can this height of complexity be explained? Well, the sages of yore were even spared, who I am to question then?

But it hurts, I know what I have been doing may not be morally correct on my part, but today, it was all just so lovable, I wanted it but without making an effort, and that too even if I get it, I would not want it for longer, it just until I get bored or am shouldered with the burden of so called responsibilities. It is mean, very mean, but it has been this way always with me.

Giving it a serious thought, would it be wonderful to get bound to it or I will buckle under the so called stigma in which I have been enveloped always. What say, should I give in?

Conjecture

It was the perfect timing. I wanted to and was trying to recover from my momentary bouts of depression. But suddenly I saw that and it plunged me deep into that. For a moment, it was all still, as if I had been betrayed, but it had to be and this was a no new fact to me. The only difference that I didn't expect this so sooner. Just now finished with the 2 States, The story of my marriage. Well, with me caught in all this, there couldn't be any more apt time for this to start or may be end with. Disgusting man, why do fellas really end up like this, oh its just my hurt fragile ego speaking up. Its the happy ending or may be a bad start for me. Well, good wishes for both of them, but it hurt a bit, and the one regret I will have and now will find its way to be buried inside, since nothing can be done about this. I wish I could speak to her....just once..

Dont want the night to end...

How wonderful is this feeling: you are just lying upside down on your bed just close to your window and you have the sight of whole city in front of you and to add more to it, its mid night, quiet everywhere. Its the 10th floor. You just keep on gazing upon the lights, some blinking, some steady, but beautifully entangled all over. Lost somewhere deep down, you are at peace with yourself.

Sometimes you are not sure what you are thinking about, but you just want to remain there, not to be disturbed by anyone. The moment should never end, as if you are ready to spend your life in that just one moment. Obviously you do miss someone special, and it has to be your current beloved one. Someone rightly said, poetry comes fine spun with mind at peace...

Just like that

In the anticipation, everyday I just open up my mails, my social network updates, a bit of expectation, a bit anxiety, but what turns out - Nothing, except a bit disappointment to which I have become accustomed, but the only thought, till when....?

Nothing except Distress

engulfed....worsened........patience....just smoke everywhere.....hurting....insignificant trivial....things.....pain.... expectations.....tears.....maddening....daylight....

dying....let out of this....nothing endearing....havoc......beg..I please....trouble.....unnamed....

endearing....confusion.....nothing allures.....but.....depression.....a bit love...curse.....incapable...

thrown.....lost....left.....help....flickering.....despair....blood....crying....state of mind....inconsolable....

understand....heart out....me.....no pacifier.....lights.....afraid.....fix....world....scare.....eyes....close....

Sleep, indefatigable sleep....

Twilight....fading away...

Memories culled from the past swaying in my mind, playing havoc with me. I may be regretting a bit today, that I should have spilled all the beans 4 (or a bit more)yrs back, before coming out of that world. Although its a sweet pain, I have been subjected to, but it feels like, I really missed out on that. It could have been much, much beautiful, than it was. I can still smell those times, when it all happened, it was magical. But, I just have a "But" remaining now....its all gone....

Deranged...

The image in the header has been a blessing in disguise for me. Don't know what came upon me, when I choose this one, it was just I was trying to make this page a tad more appealing,visually.

How hard and unyielding it is to live with those rude, dreadful realities (although truth) which people make you realize (though they would have been in deliberate attempts). The far you run away from them, the harder you get stabbed. It seems that there's no panacea for them. You just need to gulp it down at once without even creating a slightest utterance.

When I get such feelers, I come here and this third one says - You should live.

29th Factor

Those all and those which are and may be which will be, were not, are not and wont be platonic at all (Although these 3 states doesn't exist in reality except my mind). The far I run from this, it somehow founds its way in between, is it like this only or is it just the extrapolation from my thoughts. Well, whatever it may be, but I agree that it has become an integral part of all this, which on certain terms may be harmful and very mean. I may sound self flagellating, but enough of it, I could not just carry along this burden with me and that too when it feels like I am experiencing this gravitational pull, may be which will really make me give in.

Actually looking at it, nothing has happened as of yet, but time may steal this privilege from me soon, as I can foresee.

Clinically Dead

Yesterday again, it was one of those moments, when I felt going into the sub conscious state for ever, just for the sake of shirking away everything in my life which causes pain or even needs a slight effort. Everything would seem hunky dory then, no responsibilities, no relations, no obligations to be entertained at all. How I wish it could come true. It was just a song, which dinned on my ear and led me this way. Well, there should be a choice given to the individuals after breathing some years of life, whether they would like to continue as they are or just get into cryonics. There are times, when I feel like having that lucid dream thing come true. I don't want immortality, but I want all my mortality in a dream chamber.

She says..

Sun rahi hu sudhbudh kho ke, koi main kahani,

puri kahani hai kya kise hai pata,

Main to kisi ki ho ke, ye bhi na jaani,

rut hai ye do pal ki ya rahegi sada...

Just like that :-)

I wonder whether I would get lucky someday, when my love takes a more humanely form unlike the one in previous writing. :-)

My Love...

It was just another day. I walked out of my office, as usual evading everything I do there, feeling low, bored all of it, trying to find something new. Then it struck that okay, lets try to find solace somewhere and then, she came to my mind, without whom my life seems incomplete everyday.

Went straight to her, all what was running in my mind was just her, nothing else. Could not think of anything else. I thought may be she will give me what I needed most at that time, peace of mind and a state of forgetfulness which would feel like I am far away from this high pacing crowd.

My steps begun towards her. I just saw her getting ready for me, she was looking hot, I just can not put it in words, how good it felt after I had a look at her. She exchanged a stare with me, it felt that we both just wanted to be one, leaving nothing in between us. She wanted to be completely in me and I desperately wanted to taste her.

Finally, the moment came, I took her in my hands, my lips smacking and what next, in a while she was all inside me. I felt absolutely satiated. After it was all over, I asked how much, and the tapri wala said 'saab, cutting ke dhai rupaye'. I put the glass down and gave the money to that chai wala and left.

Torn apart

Another day of disgruntled emotions in its continous effort to throw me into the fathomless depth of emotional dejection and withdrawl. Am becoming addicted to it, it wont let me go until I soak in it completely. It feels, someone needs to help me out, it has all gone deep inside my veins making me feel weak notwithstanding any more pain. I wonder what would have made someone devise a word like perseverance.....

Gone

Is it really real? Feels like its a sojourn and will be back. Some part of me is missing, as thats been taken away and it is painful. Been a long time but I cant overcome these pangs. Almost 6 years, its quite a long time, do people realise this at all?
I badly need to practice Detachment.

4 Years

Almost 4 down. Do you think was it worth it, have no answer to that. The first one was gone just because it was the starting, it had the immaturity and privelege of just a new one as an excuse. The second one sensed like it would be serious, but then it made me realise where I stand and then back to square one. The third one had some sense, a bit practicality, a fear, a desire but fate ill treated me. Now, its 4th one, no idea where its going, am trying to make things work, but its tough, although not impossible. Just trying to keep on trying. Seems like am gonna have a rough patch.
At times it has a devastating effect, its hard to absorb the fact that u still there, aint moving up the ladder. If at all, I can foresee, its all blurry......

?

An emotion and a spiritual experience. Is this called Nostalgia, Hmm?

Close to Capsheaf

I wanna know you - like I know myself

Im waitin for you - there aint no one else

Talk to me baby - scream and shout

I want to know you - inside out

I wanna dig down deep - I wanna lose some sleep

I wanna scream and shout - I wanna know you inside out

Thats the closest I could get..

Eve says Adam talks in a more blunt way now, but why doesnt she realises that someone feels that they have more prerogatives over them by the virtue of being someone special.
Well, just waiting to be tamed and expecting a bit reciprocation.

lack⋅a⋅dai⋅si⋅cal

A wish to have the sanity of mind and ability to act wise,

but unfortunately this feeling keeps on strengthening with time,

the wait seems to be endless now,

Will he ever get in to the flow?

Couldnt get an apt Title...

What I deeply realised today is that this blog may be actually of great use to showcase yourself or maybe, it could have much more meaningful and knowledagble stuff than what it is right now (full of depressants). Till date my blogs have always been about my fears, feelings, puppy loves, anxiety, mostly acting as a downer (although it has given a vent to my feelings) or to summarize, it has always about my state of heart and self confessions. Seldom have I wrote anything apart from the above mentioned states.

No one knows about this and even I wouldnt like anyone to. Its was just a feeling which prevailed upon me that its time to make it public and use the blog extensively. This feel actually started when one of my close friends wrote a post and spread that around, among our group of friends. And it was good, brimming with optimism and having the confidence with the self beilef needed, which I found really impressive.

The current state of mine is biased towards putting it to good use (at least for me). I just hope it continues till eternity otherwise the fluctuation would be devastating for me.

Meri arzoo...

Kya kare zindagi, isko hum jo miley

iski jaan kha gaye, raat din ke giley

raat din ke giley

meri aarzoo kameenee, mere khwab bhi kaminey

ik dil se dosti thi, yeh hazoor bhi kaminey

the hamesha se kaminey.....

J....A.....R.....T...

Everyone is Gifted, but not everyone opens the package....

Am Scared...

I am actually scared of what I think may not have happened or it might have taken place.
Coming into this real world after good old puppy days has made me realised that lifes not a piece of cake. To make it precise, for me, it feels like as if i was living in a ivory tower, and now things have unfolded in such a way and such pace, that I am really scared that what is next.
A simple call at any odd time of the day aggravates my belief and I am left pounding, although everything may be hunky dory. I have absolutely no idea that am I the only coward in this or everyone faces the same situation. When would I get rid of this fear which send jitters down my spine, but I really wouldnt want this at the cost of anyone?
What we all lose, can never be re gained. I was too late to realise this......and it was all shatters.
Was it worth it?

Sulking..

Someone rightly said, when you are going to do something you like or that might change your fortunes, the whole world might conspire against you...

Just like that..

Nothing particular, but thought would write down , when I would get connected and yes I got today itself..Has been a feelless ride of emotions offlately...Would get into it some other time....hmmmmm.............thats it for the time being..

J...A....R....T....

"Its not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me...."

Unforgettable Regret

Really have no idea how to express this feeling of embarrasing emotions.
Its just that he gave it to her and i broke it, although unconciously. Had to keep a smiling face but i was dying inside. I acted like a killjoy...........Atleast for both of them

Puppy Love

A bit of relief and a bit of shock prevailed upon me. Before the seeds of my Puppy love could blossom, someone else trampled on them. Now, Relief, because someone else is mired into this controversy now, as i said this is gonna put a lot of relations at stake (which has actually started). Shock, i was a little disappointed, that why it had to happen (to me)? The very obvious question :-)
Waiting for the next to unfold....And i just hope everything gonna be alright...

J...A...R...T...

Everyone in your life is going to hurt you sooner or later, the only thing you need to realise is that who is more worthy-the pain or the person --> By someone i dont know...

Agaaaaiiiiiinnnn.......

How wonderful is it that even after going through the same bouts of my selfproclaimed "She is the one" spasms, i am again back to square one. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9........Theres no end to it, i presume.
May be the next chapter, but as usual am completely smitten by ....someone who seems to be close to me, but is far apart....But this is something which is going to put in my relations at stake if i spill the beans, so this may die down somwhere deep inside....

"kisae mjhue tu mli giay, kmasit pe ayea na ykaene"

Incurable

I was bruised and battered and I couldnt tell What I felt
I was unrecognizable to myself i saw my reflection in a window
I didnt know My own face Oh brother are you gonna leave me Wastin´away
I heard the voices of friends vanished and goneAt night I could hear the blood in my veinsBlack and whispering as the rain
Aint no angel gonna greet me Its just you and I my friend
The night has fallen, Im lyinawake I can feel myself fading away
So receive me brother with your faithless kiss Or will we leave each other alone like this.......

May 02,2006

My past just suddenly cropped up in front of me, leaving me stupefied, i just couldnt tell what i felt...it was little scary. I could hear the shameless laughter with which my past was mocking at me and i was helpless. The only thing i could feel was like i was fading away, my tearducts dripping blood. It was only me, who was given the choice, but i didnt make it and now, someone else made the choice, throwing me into the fathomless well of disgruntled emotions. Had been too late, to the point of dejection.
She always said - "Remember that there is nothing stable in human affairs; therefore avoid undue elation in prosperity, or undue depression in adversity “.

Haven't found a reason

I'm not a perfect person,

There's many things I wish I didn't do,

But I continue learning,

I never meant to do those things to you,

And so I have to say before I go,

That I just want you to know..........

Later on..

"Sapno se bhare naina, to neend hai na chaina........"

That says it all..

Silver Jubilee

25 years on earth done today and still empty handed. Oh, that was just a mere dialogue, meaning nothing at all.
Well, just wanted to pen down something (anything may be), coz i felt like.
Have some lyrics to share (I found it amazing..):
"Gun Guni Dhoop Ki Tarah Se Tarango Mein Tum, Chhoo Ke Mujhe Guzri Ho Yuh, Dekhu Tumhe Ya Main Sunoo, Tum Ho Sukoon Tum Ho Junoon..."

Virtual Reality

As the title sounds, its all about the dreamy state. I just finished with a movie, and it actually had an effect on me, well actually almost all the movies do have it upon me.
I was compeletely mesmerised!!!
Is it with everyone or its just me, that i keep on impersonating with the the leads?
All along it, it took me in ,i was completely absorbed, as if it is all real (although i know its not), it all feels so good, penetrating through the emotions, the character, you feel as if you were/are part of it, at times you do empathize with it.
At the back of mind you know that its like a virtual world, its the dreamy state, it will be over within 2.5 hrs (maybe more or little less) but you love to be in there. When you walk out of it and face the real world you are a little disappointed.
The question : why cant your life be as it was there in that virtual world? i.e All hunky dory at the end. It actually makes you think that whether your life also sways the same way, ups and downs, like it is shown, but at the end, its all fine OR its just the ride of virtual reality you are supposed to take and lead your life the simple way, as does an ordinary man. Sounds disheartening..hmm.
May be that has to be decided by oneself, whether to create his own realm or just get lost with the crowd.
For me, i would love to be lost in the realm of dreams, that virtual reality or may be if i could be thrown in to lucid dreaming till immortality. It may look like confining oneself to an ivory tower and shutting off from the world, but thats the way certain people choose to live (although they cant).